The Smith Family Experience

Tour of the process

This page contains a lot of text. If you are interested in doing an exchange, you may prefer to print it, so that you can study it at your leisure and show it to the rest of the family.

This page gives a general picture of what to expect from the organisation and how exchanges are arranged. It describes the benefits of learning another language at an early age and the positive aspects of creating bonds with a foreign family. A French exchange is used in the example but the process for German exchanges is identical.

Rachel Smith's father read a small piece in the local evening paper about a ten year old who had just come back from spending six months living with a family in France and showed it to his wife. "Shall we ask Rachel if she would like to try living in France?" he said.

Their first thoughts were positive, knowing that Rachel (at the time aged 8) was a reasonably confident child and they agreed that the subject would be brought up in casual conversation at an evening meal.

"I'd like to do that," was Rachel's first comment after hearing the story about the other child in her town.

Her father was a little surprised by the prompt response and her mother felt a sensation of horror that she might lose her daughter for six months.

However they agreed to send off for more information from the address given by the newspaper article and a few days later the booklet describing ALLEF and an application form arrived, along with a form for the head teacher of Rachel's school.

The description in the booklet intrigued the Smiths; Rachel was even more positive about going, her parent's thoughts were mixed. 'Learning French will be fantastic in the long term, but can she do it, won't she be homesick, what about her school work here? These were some of the questions they talked about.

But the discussion of different aspects of an exchange didn't seem to shake Rachel, so they decided to take a closer look at what was involved. They filled in some details on an initial application form to express their interest and were soon contacted by a local rep. Their rep, Liz, was a parent whose had already done both French and German exchanges and she arranged to visit them in a couple of weeks.

Whilst they were waiting for her visit, they started to fill in a detailed application form. Some of the form they found quite difficult; it's not often a family is asked to write down how it operates and the expectations parents have of their children and themselves. As the form was filled in, Rachel's mother took photographs of Rachel, her younger brother, the family, the house and the dog to send to ALLEF. Rachel took a photo of her parents to send as well so that the French family would know what they all looked like.

Liz's visit allowed the family to ask the many questions they had stored up and for her to talk to them about the exchanges and to get a feel for the kind of household Rachel was coming from and the situation another child would be entering. She also helped them understand how to fill in the application form and discussed whether they would like a German exchange which they hadn't thought about before. She explained that she would write a report about their family to help in the matching process

In October the Smiths attended the ALLEF AGM with the U.K., French and German Exchange Coordinators together with lots of British families who had already made an exchange. This gave the Smiths an opportunity to hear more about the experiences of other families and to listen to the Coordinators describe the work of the organisation. This was followed by an interview with the exchange Coordinators in which they talked with the whole family. They were especially keen to find out about Rachel and what kind of child she was, how she would adapt to a new way of life and what sort of family would suit her best.

The same coordinators carry out similar interviews with French and German families so they can discuss the many different aspects of a family in order to make the best match possible.

It is very important that a good match is made and indeed it is better for an exchange not to proceed at all than to go ahead with one which might not be suitable. This is why ALLEF suggests that you consider both French and German families although the choice always remains with the family.

The Smiths came away feeling very positive about proceeding with an exchange and Rachel started talking openly about going to live in France. Mrs Smith was taken aback by the reactions in the playground after school.

"Oh, I think you're really brave to let Rachel go for six months."

"What a marvellous idea, how wonderful for her in the future,.... but I couldn't do it."

"Aren't you ashamed of letting her go like that."

Reactions from grandparents were mixed as well. One side was very keen and saw the long term benefits, the other side were not happy that they would not be able to see their beloved grandchild for six months.

About three weeks later there was a phone call, "We've found a family for you who live in..... “ The coordinator told them something about the exchange family and gave them a few days to think over the proposal. It only took a day for them to decide to go ahead. Once the French family had agreed in principal a dossier was posted to the Smiths.

A large envelope arrived a few days later and there was frantic excitement before the children had to leave for school. They examined the collection of photographs supplied by the Dupont family with fascination. These were the people they were being asked to send their child to, and there was Marie, the girl they might be taking into their family.

But all these problems quickly evaporated as the family started to think more deeply about what had to be organised. Rachel had said she wanted to be second in the exchange process and the covering letter from ALLEF recommended that this should be the case. The family had already worked out that the two girls would share a room and they started to reorganise furniture to give Marie her own place to keep her belongings.

The Smiths wondered whether they should contact the Duponts in Normandy to discuss travel arrangements, but were not sure how the two families would work things out with their minimal knowledge of each other's language. The problem was solved when the telephone rang. "Allo, this is Monsieur Dupont...".

Another moment of panic, the Duponts were invited to stay for two nights, would they like us, would they like our home, would they like the food we serve? So many questions rushed around as the sense of excitement grew. The Smiths decided that they would visit the Duponts first so that they were confident about where they would be sending their daughter later on. The Duponts would visit the Smiths shortly before the exchange started.

They confirmed the arrangements with Rachel’s school who had already agreed for the exchange to take place. Rachel’s class was full so Marie was going into a different class.

ALLEF strongly suggests, if time and money allows, that preliminary visits are made before the exchange takes place. After this the families can decide whether or not to continue. In about 50% of cases, mainly because of the cost of travel, the preliminary visit takes place at the start of the exchange, but it is of course possible for the family to return home without leaving their child. This is within the agreement and both families know and must accept this.

The Smiths booked a weekend trip to Normandy and, whilst it was hard trying to keep up their school French for a weekend, they warmed to the Dupont family. Whilst the family was different to their own, they felt confident that Rachel would be well cared for and were surprised at how quickly the girls made friends.

It seemed to be in no time at all that the Dupont family took the overnight ferry to England. Mr Smith picked them up in the family car at Portsmouth and brought them to their home. Very quickly they were talking once again in a combination of broken English and French, overcoming any communication problems they thought might arise. The children had immediately rushed into the garden and were happily playing on the climbing frame.

The two days went by and the Duponts were happy to leave Marie with the Smiths.

ALLEF recommends that there should be no more than two or three days at the start of the exchange before going to school. It is better for the exchange child to start school straight away. This helps to prevent boredom and homesickness.

Marie settled in very well and her first day in Britain was spent shopping for a school uniform, going on a walk and swimming at the local pool. The next day Rachel returned to school with Marie and although it was difficult at first to make sense of what was going on, she picked things up quite easily. By six weeks she understood most of what was said to her and was using simple English sentences.

For the Smiths, having a third child was a bit of a shock at first, bit Marie quickly became a close part of the family. They found having Marie with them was great fun but, as in all families, it was hard work to sort out the arguments that inevitably arose and sometimes keep the noise levels down.

The six months passed very quickly. Marie was treated just like the other two Smith children, enjoying school and taking part in the Christmas production and having a family Christmas with the Smith grandparents. Marie was fully integrated into the Smith family and no special arrangements were made for her. They all went to London for a day to see the sights. It was just as exciting for Rachel and her brother as it was the first time they had been to Trafalgar Square and Buckingham Palace.

Marie's family telephoned her every week at first and then gradually increased the time between calls, as Marie's English improved and she began to forget her French vocabulary.

ALLEF recommends that the weekly telephone calls are no longer than 20-30 minutes and should be made on different days so that the child does not start to expect them at a certain time. After a couple of months the calls can become less frequent.

Soon it was time to make arrangements for Marie to return to France. The families had agreed that Marie would return home two weeks before the Smiths arrived at the Duponts house. Although Marie was speaking English fluently, Mr and Mrs Smith couldn't quite believe Rachel would be speaking French and would have difficulty speaking English to them when they saw each other in six months.

A minimum of one weeks, preferably two weeks, break between exchanges is recommended so that the returning child and his/her family can get to know each other again. Some families have a six month break.

The reunion with the Duponts was a happy event, but leaving Rachel in France was hard for the Smiths and they had to put on a brave face to assure her that all would be well and that she was going to have a good time.

Children often take different lengths of time to settle into their new environment depending on temperament. A cuddle from parents usually sorts out moments of distress. In the background the Exchange Coordinators, supported by local representatives, monitor the exchange and are available to liaise between both sets of parents should problems arise.

Rachel had the advantage of having Marie available to speak English, but after a week she had to stop relying on her to provide translation and concentrate harder on picking up French. School was very different and coping with a new way of life was at first a strain on Rachel. Telephone calls from her parents were very reassuring and letters gave her lots of encouragement and in a short time Madame Dupont was able to assure the Smiths that Rachel was settling in well and had made several friends at school.

Other people may ask if you are going to visit your child whilst they are in France or Germany. ALLEF strongly discourages any visits which are likely to disrupt your child’s new routine and cause more homesickness. If you are going to do an exchange you should accept that your child may miss a major event like a wedding. It is not fair on your child to have the pain of separation twice within an exchange.

Rachel enjoyed her stay with the Duponts and soon it was time for her parents to travel to France to pick her up. Rachel had grown a bit but she seemed little different, except that she was talking in French. Amazing! It really was odd to hear her chattering away with Marie and her brother Jean as if she was a French child. She was rolling her R's in a very non English way and Madame Dupont said her accent had become very good. She hadn't actually forgotten English, but her accent was dreadful and it took a week for her to start using it spontaneously.

ALLEF carries out linguistic checks during the exchange by telephoning the child and then chatting to the host parents to give them advice and encouragement. The Local Representative also stays in touch with the parents so that they are able to talk over how the exchange is going on.

The Smiths spent a few days with the Duponts and amongst many pleasing moments were particularly amused when a shop keeper thought Marie and Rachel were French girls showing English visitors around.

The Smiths had been concerned whether it would take long for Rachel to relearn her English and whether her school work would suffer. They needn’t have worried as Rachel went back to school feeling happy and confident, and she was able to buckle down and quickly pick up where she had left off. In fact, rather than losing time at school, the Smiths felt that she had 'gained time' by having such a positive experience and had become a more lively minded and competent person.

The two families had parted saying that they would arrange for the girls to meet again soon. Marie made a visit the following Easter for two weeks, whilst the Smiths called on the Duponts during the following summer holidays.

Each family now has its own personal interpreter when they go on holiday in either France or Britain.